Positive Guidance

All children need guidance and discipline. Children are not born knowing right from wrong or safe from dangerous. They don’t have social skills and they don’t understand the culture in which they live. They learn these things though many different interactions and experiences in life. Adults play an important role in guiding children’s learning about these moral, social and cultural norms and safety issues. Discipline comes from a Latin word meaning “teaching” or “learning”. The word is not often used this way any more, but perhaps it should be as children are taught to control their natural impulses and be disciplined in their behavior. This doesn’t mean rigid, but it does mean self-controlled. Guidance and discipline ought not to be harsh, degrading, belittling, humiliating, hurtful, or harmful. It ought not deprive a child of food, sleep, socialization or other basic needs.

Guidance ought to be positive and respectful. We know to set clear expectations and to follow through. Even as adults we respond better when we are instructed in what to do rather than what not to do. With children we can say, “Sarah, please put your feet on the floor” rather than “Sarah, don’t stand on the chair”. Young children may not even know what is expected from them unless it is clearly stated. As adults we also know that it’s easier to follow a direction when we understand the consequences of not doing what is being suggested to us. With Sarah, we may continue, “It’s not safe to stand in the chair. You might fall and get hurt.” Sarah may still not get down out of the chair, but as the adults who are responsible for her safety, we are going to ensure that she does. Sarah might feel like she needs some control in the situation (or a graceful way out). We can try to give that to Sarah by offering her a choice. “Sarah, would you like to put your feet on the floor by yourself or would you like me to help you?” Your hope at this point is that Sarah will choose to come down out of the chair by herself. If not, you tell Sarah, “Then I will have to help you.” At which point you gently pick Sarah up and put her feet on the floor. Sarah may not like this, but you have been positive (stated what you wanted her to do in positive terms), respectful (explained why you have asked her to do this and given her a choice as to whether she want to do it on her own or have help) and you have followed through (removing her from the chair and the unsafe situation). Guidance may be firm (you don’t let Sarah stand in the chair again or stay there if she does). Through this interaction, you have also established your role as the teacher (teaching the children what is safe and what is not safe) and caregiver (one who is concerned about the well-being of the children). This scenario may repeat itself day after day (or hour after hour), but in time, Sarah will develop the self-discipline to keep her feet on the floor and not stand in the chair.

Teachers who provide positive guidance help children learn to solve problems. The problem may be how to build a block structure without it falling over or it may be working out a difference with a friend. In this situation, teachers my ask leading questions, such as “I wonder what would happen if you did [such and such}?” Sometime children make bad choices and adults can help them recognize the bad choice and help them discover a better choice. For instance, Brandon may grab a toy from another child’s hand. A thoughtful teacher will recognize try to identify Brandon’s motive. “Brandon, you wanted that toy, didn’t you?” This gives Brandon the opportunity to acknowledge whether the teacher is correct in her assessment or not. The teacher may then try to help Brandon understand the other child’s point of view. “ Sammy had that toy in his hand and he was still playing with it.” Then the teacher may ask, “What could you have done instead of grabbing the toy from Sammy’s hand?” This now gives Brandon to think about a better option for having a chance to play with that toy. He may say something like, “I could have asked him to let me have a turn with it.” The teacher may respond by saying, “That sounds like a better idea.” Now, the next time (or with practice) when Brandon finds himself in the situation of wanting a toy that’s in someone else’s hand, he’s much more likely to make a better choice since he came up with the solution himself.

Some programs set up a table or space where children can go to work out their differences. Generally children are given simple guidelines for problem-solving with a friend. It is important that children recognize that they own the problem so they don’t drag the teacher in as mediator (of course, teachers must resist being the mediator). Some common steps to teaching children to solve problems are to 1) Stop the situation, 2) Identify the problem on both sides, 3) Create and understanding of how each side feels, 4) suggest solutions 5) decide on a solution together 6) implement the solution and 7) evaluate how well it worked. Adults may need to help children learn this process by guiding them through it with leading questions, but the actual expressions and solutions should come from the children.

Of course, as with any special need, a more specialized intervention may be necessary when a child’s behavior is very difficult to guide or severely disturbed. In New Hampshire, contact PTAN or your regional infant mental health team (which connects families to services for children age birth to 6) for further assistance.